Unemployed

To the people I had the interview with last week,

I received word that you did not in fact choose to hire me, but rather made an offer to someone else. I heard that your decision was based on the fact that you needed a more “submissive” person for the position. Please note that I did not bring my whip to the interview nor speak of any of my private hobbies during said interview. What kind of background checks are you guys doing because that’s just stealthy.

Please reconsider and I’ll whip you lightly,
Your Master
_______________________

To Jett, my black cat,

I know you are puzzled that I’m home all day, but please stop the endless crying. I don’t know what you want or what the fuck you think your problem is, but you are driving your momma nutty. Cats are supposed to sleep for 20 hours a day. Even when I put you to bed and put a blanket over your head so that it’s nice and dark (read: muffles crying) you still don’t take your nap.

Go to sleep and shuddup.

Much love,
Mommy
______________________

To my bank account,

Let’s get something straight. Right. Now. You will be empty soon, but please pay all bar tabs regardless of your balance.

I’ll raise a glass in your honor,
Andrea

P.S. I’m using all of your silly deposit slips to pass out my phone number at the bars.
__________________________

To my car,

You know I have hated you since I bought you. I’m very sorry about that, but you are such an unworthy replacement to the fast, fast car I had before you that you will never compare. I know your cute little ass says “Turbo” and all, but you and I know that’s just a joke because there is nothing turbo happening.

Anyway, the purpose of this letter, other than to remind you that you are loathed, is to ask you to please remain running and happy while I am unemployed, mmm’kay? I realize you are still under warranty and shit, but I just don’t feel like dealing with the hassle, because truth be told, you’re just not worth it.

Vroom (never mind, I’m sure that went over your cute green head),
Me

P.S. Stop guzzling the gas, you greedy German bitch.

2005-02-17 | 6:57 p.m.

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